Schools out

Ok, so school's finally over. I am really happy that I don't have to get up everyday so early. But I am sad that I won't get homework anymore. I know that sounds stupid.

I won't miss middle school. Those 3 years were some of the worst in my life. So many bad things happened. I lost friends, lost my own identity, I lost my motivation to do well. I am really looking forward to freshman year. It will be a new start for me. Hopefully I can loose weight this summer and get more in shape. And I will be babysitting and earning money as best I can so I can buy a new wardrobe for next year. I even am thinking of getting a haircut. I feel like my style is changing, but because of money problems I haven't really been able to express it.

I would rather wear black shirts, because they have better artwork on them, and I don't like wearing white. Yet my closet is full of clothes that are bright and colorful, but totally ugly. Especially on me. I look good in black, it brings out the red in my hair. I guess, if I had to choose my style with labels I used to be more prep. More happy all the time and always smiling. But now, it's the opposite, I would rather dress more emo and scene. The outfits are more comfortable for me, the attitude fits me perfectly. That's just the way I am. I don't like using labels, but they mostly describe me as a person. I want to change myself this summer, this will not be a transition for me, but for my family and friends. I have been this way for a while. But no one sees it, or really cares. This summer I can change that, I can dress more my style and get back to being me.

This summer will be really important to my future. I want to be more centered and focused, more organized. I just want to be healthy and smart. I want to be pretty, I want to go to high school and have people looks at me and think, "Wow, she's gorgeous."

You know that I have never had a boyfriend before, and I would like to change that. I have never had my first kiss before, and I would like to change that too. I don't want to be a slut next year. I just want to be more noticed. You might think this is crazy, and vain, and stupid, and self-centered. But I spent all of middle school trying to be what other people wanted me to be. I spent almost every single day trying to make other people feel comfortable, and happy. And I was almost suicidal I hated it so much.

From now on I want to focus on me. On my future and on my present. I never want to look back at my past. Everything will be different from now on......I hope.